Thursday, February 15, 2018
During my coaching and mentoring program I had an amazing awareness of myself. Then as I thought more about it I began seeing traces of it in many areas of my life.
- I realized I wished to take actions in certain situations and yet was holding back.
- I wished to stop doing few behaviour’s, however, was not able to change.
- I was pushing myself to complete some actions that I had initiated but was finding excuses not to finish them.
- After taking a decision I found myself being passive. The decision seemed right yet did not feel right. But, with some decisions, it was an instant go, felt totally in charge.
When I asked myself what is happening, I got an instant reply saying, “I don’t know”!! So I labelled myself as lazy, not confident or not good enough.
How about you? Do you experience something similar?
With the help of my coach, I then became aware that the times when I was pushing myself to do things, there was a lack of congruence in my thoughts and actions. There was a conflict within me, and that needed to be resolved first before I attempted to move ahead.
The presence of that inner conflict was springing from a sense of fear. Fear is not new to anyone and we are aware of it when going for an exam or doing a presentation. But it can also be present silently in different ways. That inner conflict also arises from a clash in our values and the soreness stays like a tiny thorn in the foot. Reminding us that our values are being threatened, and asking us “Are you okay with that?”
So before changing a behaviour or beginning to do a new behaviour, if you are seeing any of the above responses in you, it would be very important to realize, acknowledge and resolve the conflict. Otherwise, that sense of incongruence will manifest itself in various undesirable emotions.
One of my earlier clients, a young lady was battling a sense of fatigue that she felt the entire day. She wanted to feel energetic and alive. She said that she had several responsibilities and yet she kept postponing them or being indecisive about completing them. As we had our sessions, she began to realize was this was not physical fatigue but mental. Also, slowly she became aware, that her role in the past one year at home had changed. There had been a sudden reversal of roles where she was taking care of her parents. All the while it was the other way round. A part of her was happy to do that, and there was a part of her that resisted it and wanted to go back to being the child who was looked after, and that was the inner conflict. The fear of being responsible, unexpected reversal of roles and stepping out her comfort zone was causing discomfort. She chose to acknowledge this and as we worked with it, soon she stepped into her new role with a purpose. She began planning actions, taking decisions and having conversations that she used to keep postponing or avoiding.
Another is the story of this gentleman who loved his family immensely and did everything he could for them. So much that he wanted to make life perfect for his spouse and kids. He had a habit of getting angry often with them and wanted it to stop. He felt his anger was a kind of resentment that showed up as a result of insufficient verbal appreciation from his family. As we spoke more, he said: “I realize I do not rely on my family, I do not trust them as they do not help me”. When I asked him if he had ever asked for help, he said “No”. He further said, “What if they refuse?” I asked, what would happen? He guffawed and said “Actually nothing, I will survive!” He then said,” I actually fear that they may see me as being weak.” So a part of him wanted help from his family in some areas and a part of him was not allowing him. He had a fear of being refused, a fear of being seen as someone who is not strong enough and that was manifested in anger. He realized how he had been communicating with himself and just acknowledging that made him feel free.
The reason I am sharing this is that just like I became aware, probably some of you may be going through something similar. You may be trying to take a decision or change a behaviour and keep getting the feeling that something is just not fitting right. In such instances, when I have tried to change something only at the doing level or looked at it as a “have to” change of behaviour, it has felt incomplete. Probably like a pretence. The change was temporary. What has helped is to get aware of the fear, discomfort or unrest, face it and look at it honestly. Just acknowledging, is a great way to begin and then to resolve it. Developing powerful habits and discipline is definitely the way forward but once the inner conflict is rested then moving forward becomes simpler.
More smiles to all
Warm regards
Manjiri
